When real life disappoints…

Tags

failing online relationships, how to avoid online heartaches, online and real life relationships, online heartache

S., a woman in her early twenties, writes to me that she is in a relationship, but that she is unhappy. She had started playing a MMO some time ago, and has met a male player with whom she connects. She feels confused and does not know what to do.

A. has been chatting online with a woman, who lives in another country, for months. He is not much into going out. He is more the introvert type – online connecting to people is easier for him though.
Their friendship means a lot to him. At some point she started to flirt, make suggestive remarks, but also shared details about encounters with other men. From time to time she is not online for days, and does not respond to his e-mails. When she comes back, she acts as friendly as usual. He feels hurt and jealous. Why is she doing this? What does she want? Insecurty and confusion eat him up inside. A. thinks she does not value the friendship – value him – as much as he would like her to.

T. and M. met in a MMO and fell in love. She went to his hometown to visit him, and they had a great time together. After she had left, T. realized that without her he would not be happy, and made plans to move to her country, find a job and live together. When they talked online, he noticed that she was getting distant. At some point she told him she thinks it is not going to work. T. suspects there are still unresolved issues between her and her ex-partner. Maybe her family is trying to influence her into ending this thing with him as well. What can he do?

Stories like the ones above are more common than the happy endings. Eventhough this blog is meant for the love stories that are successful, I feel the other side of online encounters should get the attention it deserves as well.

When I first published my own love story, the reactions varied from “amazing love story” to “you are a cheating bitch”. At the time I did not respond to the negative responses, for what do they know about me and my former relationship. I deliberately had not written much about it; in the end it was also not the point of my story.

The situation that S. describes to me in her e-mail, is actually quite similar to mine back then. When you are at this critical point in the relationship and then meet someone else, if it is in an online environment or in real life, the awareness of being unhappy with what you have, grows even more. Meeting another person is an alarm bell. When it starts ringing, it is time to seperate the new fascination from the unsatisfying existing relationship, and have a good and clear look at it: what is wrong between my partner and me? Can it be solved? Do I want it to be solved?
Once you have answered those questions for yourself, and acted accordingly, you will know what to do with the virtual reality. Either you can work it out with your partner, and the online flirt is over. Or the relationship is doomed, you end it and you decide to explore the online flirt further – or not.

There are many people like A. who are shy or insecure in real life, who find it difficult to meet and connect with strange people. For them the internet is a much safer and secure playground to be social. This is one of the positive possibilities of the internet, and at the same time one of the most dangerous.
Online you can present yourself differently. Nothing can happen to you, for you are at a safe distance. When you meet someone online though, you have even less control over the situation than when you do in the real world.

As I have written before, you lack lots of useful information, information you need to read the other person and understand what he or she wants. No facial expressions or other types of behaviour, no sounds. Unless you have a webcam, you don’t know what this guy or girl is doing during chatting. Maybe this person is totally commited to chatting with you. Or maybe he or she has ten chat windows open. Maybe this person is not taking you seriously at all and laughs his or her ass off. Maybe he or she is not a he or she at all… Lots of maybe’s!

Since I am a girl myself, I know a bit about our more devilish side. There are women who – for the fun of it, or for their own little ego’s – like to tease around on the internet. Here again it is easy to flirt and fool around without serious or dangerous consequences. It is cool for us ladies to be openly sexy and naughty. By acting this out online, you get all the testosteron attention you desire. It can be fun for both sides, but it can also be a deadly trap, especially for a shy man like A. If you bump into the type that likes to feed the affection of a man, but has no serious intentions with him at all, heartache is the only endresult.

So guys, how do you avoid this? Communicate! If you feel safe enough to flirt online, you can also ask what her intentions are, make clear rules and set boundaries:

Why is she telling me she is all naked right now?
Ask her!

Why does she share certain information with me about her sex life with other people?
Ask her!

What does she mean with this remark, is she being suggestive here?
Ask her!

What does she mean with “I like you”?
Ask her!

I am really starting to have feelings for her…; Where is this all going…; I want to take things a step further; I want to meet her in real life; I only want to have cyber sex with her; … What should I do? Tell her, be open about your intentions, set the rules. Communicate, be honest and keep things transparent. Sure, she can still tell lies and keep you dangling in the dark, but if you have any doubts, try to investigate further. If it does not bring you anything, let her go.
If she is honest and tells you it is just a game, it can hurt as well. But that kind of pain will resolve quicker than months of torture by not knowing what is going on. After a “no, I am not interested”, you can move on!

Sorry girls who may have experienced this the other way around! Of course there are also men playing these kind of games, but let’s be honest here: it is more a girl’s thing.

The situation of T. also shows how little control or insight you can have when you are in a long distance relationship. His MMO love came to visit him, and things seemed to be going very well… Still he has ended up being seperated from her, without knowing what is going on with her now that she is back home again.

You have no control over the influence of family and friends. In my case, every one was very supportive and enthusiastic about my relationship with my Hunter. But consider this: they had never met him before. They could also have told me I would be a fool to pursue it. Who knows how I would have acted if every one would have told me it would be stupid to get involved with a – for them – complete stranger…

You also can’t control other (ex-)lovers in his or her surroundings. All you can do, is sit and wait and hope that he or she chooses you over them. It is something you need to take into account when you start taking a long distance relationship seriously.

And last but not least: someone can also change his or her mind. Feelings were being built up over months. Then people finally meet. And maybe, afterwards, one of them realizes it was not what he or she’d expected it to be. Or maybe it is simply too hard to be in a long distance relationship, or he/she doesn’t want to move in so fast just because otherwise they can’t be together. Maybe he or she does not dare to say anything about this, because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

Here too, many maybe’s and possibilities. All I can say, is talk. Avoiding pain and disappointment by not communicating will hurt more – and leave a deeper scar – than honesty.